I’ve decided to dust off my computer keyboard and blog again. I haven’t forgotten, I didn’t lose motivation-I just took a bit of a sabbatical back in September/October when my grandpa Harvey got sick. It took a toll on me with the unknown of his health. I visited him in the hospital which was very hard for me. I hated seeing him hooked to machines, tubes and nurses checking on him all the time. When the decision was made to put him in hospice, it broke me. Life isn’t fair even though I know he had lived a full life, did everything he wanted, was a respectable and hugely successful businessman all around the world, not a single person had a bad thing to say about him. That is something I strive for but unfortunately, I am not successful at that because I am too…out there for some people.
I visited him in hospice. Again, it pained me. He was weak. He was tired. Caregivers gave the element of ‘the end’, no privacy it seemed-not even just for myself and people who visited but for grandma and grandpa, together. I know people wore him out visiting all the time. Literally, ALL…THE…TIME. He had people fly in from across the country to say their goodbyes. The nurses had to put a sign on their door, turning away visitors due to his exhaustion trying to entertain. I couldn’t believe how long it took the nurses to put that sign up-I noticed it instantly that is was wearing on him.
My final memories of seeing him consisted of helping him settling into his favorite recliner chair. He was so weak that he had a hard time cutting his food up so I helped him eat. The food looked…less than appetizing. He had grilled salmon, mashed potatoes, carrots and jello for dessert. Even though he had chosen to stop dialysis, he was eating so well and that is why he had lived weeks more than they said he would. They gave him 7-10 days to live after he left the hospital. He lived 4-5 more weeks. He joked with me about the food. That is my last memory of him, laughing at his humor. I cried as left. Didn’t say a word out loud on the way home.
The day he passed away, I had made a wonderfully loving post on Facebook. I had spoken to him on the phone shortly after I posted. It was harder than probably seeing him in pain and being cared for. You have to understand where I am coming from-I have not experienced death a lot. I took a Death and Dying class but I did not know how to cope even though I studied it, could list the different stages. I just shut down. It was hard to not feel bad, sad, mad, stressed. I wanted to eat horrible food, the way I used to be. I knew my grandpa wouldn’t want that for me. At this point I was only about a month and half out of surgery. It was only a few minutes after that Facebook post and the phone call, he passed away. Our phone call needed to happen. I’ve always wanted to tell my grandpa how proud I am of him for being successful in business and the family company. I never knew how. I am shy sometimes. I’ve been meaning to write him a letter, hand written nonetheless-just to tell him how happy and proud I am. On the phone, I got to tell him. My last words were how proud I am of him taking care of such a large family, grandma, and his future grandchildren. I admired him since I was little. I also promised him that I would never give up my brother as far as our poor relationship goes. He knew the situation. Felt bad for me and what everyone has gone through. That’s why I promised him that. I said, ‘I love you’ and that was the end. This was the reason for my sabbatical. I didn’t want to admit how sad I was. It was hard to be positive. That’s why I hadn’t updated.
During my sabbatical, I have gone though many mental mind fucks which is to be expected. Some resulted in good things, some lessons learned and some outright negative outcomes. One mind fuck I went through was the decision to cut the cord from people that are not ready for the ‘new me’ or people who have never really understood ‘me’ and won’t continue to understand my transition into who I’ve become. Cutting the fat off my favorite steak is the equivalent of what I did with certain people in my life. Doing this was easier than I thought. I was sad at first but really, I feel in order to really let my wings out and take that leap, to embrace ME fully, it needed to happen. I’ve been relieved since doing this. If you have negativity, people who don’t support you, don’t respect or allow you to be you in anyway-do me a favor…try to distance yourself. You don’t deserve that. It isn’t good for the spirit, mind or body. Surround yourself with people of like minds, good words and who are not judgmental!
This can be as simple as joining a Facebook support group to start this process-it doesn’t have to be weight loss surgery involved but I’ll give you an example of how it has helped me. I have actually gotten very close with some people who have had the surgery and that’s because we talk via Facebook a lot. I’ve created my own support group because I truly feel those people that I have gained a friendship with, the support is a mutual support that we need each other. It is so nice to have! It’s also very neat that I’ve had a lot of people contact me about the surgery seeking more information. I have three friends, Brian is included, that will be having the surgery within a month of each other. I love hearing about all the progress-the good, bad and ugly of it because it’s their journey.
In embracing the new me, I have stopped giving a fuck of what people think about my decisions, what they think of me. I would hope that if I am completely off my rocker or I am making a poor choice, someone would gently tell me maybe it isn’t a good idea but for the most part, embracing the new me in my new body was the best thing that could have ever happened. I think it started when I allowed my phenomenal hair stylist the freedom to do whatever she wants with my hair-cut and color. I KNEW deep down, no matter what happened, I would be happy with it 1). Because she is amazing and wouldn’t allow me to walk out of the salon looking stupid and 2). I love me for me and looks aren’t everything. Its my insides I am loving, the outside is just the thing I look at every day. I have gotten more compliments on my hair being a funky color than I ever have being a ‘pretty blonde’ or whatever I used to do. I’ve had people tell me to my face they are completely jealous because they couldn’t pull anything like that off. I will tell you a secret-it the attitude you carry with the look, not the look itself. I have embraced I am weird, strange, unique-I own the shit out of all those terms. I dare to be different. It is a good feeling.
In another form of expression of myself and embracing my new found self, I am able to wear high heels again…pain free. For many, many years, I have stored my high heels in totes and boxes because I was unable to wear them due to my planers fasciitis and an injury I had in college. Since working out, I have strengthened the injury and since losing weight, I can walk comfortably in heels. This makes me happier than you can even imagine. I can now buy AMAZINGLY cute clothes AND shoes…worry free! Before, shoes were my obsession because it was the one item of clothing I didn’t have to worry about being fat in.
Do I have bad days where I feel fat? Sure! I had a complete mental break down a couple weeks ago. My mom was in town and I told her Target had beautiful, sexy, unique bathing suits I wanted to try on. Not knowing my size still, I pick out various styles and sizes to try on. Not a goddamn single one I picked out looked even remotely publically acceptable. The only one that did was the one my mom picked out which it was black boy shorts (covering my hideous thighs) and a flowy top that was fairly covering my body. I had too much confidence in bathing suit shopping. I don’t have one that fits me right now but I also don’t want to try anymore on ever again because I hated how I felt. I cried in the aisle at Target. Yes, like my dog died-type cry. I posted a Facebook post on one of my Gastric Sleeve support groups and get suggestions but it was the first time I went shopping and it didn’t go my way. I was being a brat. I shall try them on later this summer when I need a bathing suit and when I hopefully tighten up my skin a little.
I had considered skin removal surgery, pretty seriously. I knew that I couldn’t have it until I have hit goal weight and maintained for a while. The average wait time for that surgery after sleeve is typically 12-18 months. I have an apron pouch in the front, its definitely not the worst one I’ve seen but I can grab it, and fold it like PlayDoh. It’s gross in a sense. I have no health problems from it, I don’t have rashes, I don’t have to move the skin out of the way to go to the bathroom. I don’t like my arm wings either. They look like a Wal-Mart bag filled an eighth of the way up with wet sand from a beach. After I watched a show that is dedicated to skin removal surgery, I will never have it. The recovery time is very long, the scars are worse than I pictured and the risk of going into old habits of being lazy/eating bad increase dramatically. I feel it would enable me at this point. I need to continue on my path and not look back. I need to embrace my skin. I am working on it. I would like to get a breast lift and implants. I am waiting on that though but it would be nice!
A huge step towards embracing my body happened when I had taken my family (Kylee, Josh, Brian and my parents) to see Lisa Lamponilli stand up in Lincoln. She was seriously the funniest person I’ve ever seen live. On top of that, I’ve been a fan of hers dating back to The Roasts. I learned she had Gastric Sleeve surgery as well. I followed her journey from Dr. Oz appearances to articles that she was interviewed. Thank you to Brian-I was brought up on stage so she could sign my stomach but she signed my arm yet I took my shirt off in front of 1,800 people without a fuck to give. I had it tattooed on my right arm. My right arm is turning into a random sleeve of my journey. I recently got cartoon stomachs tattooed with a barbell to represent Kendra and I, our journeys, how she inspired me and to never give up. I have a constant reminder now I am growing. I currently got more tattoos done, including my goal weight tattoo on my ribcage/sternum and I was so comfortable walking around topless at the tattoo shop. I have never done that but its empowering. There was nothing sexual about it, it was all professional but I felt so empowered because I was okay with it! Even at home, I walk around naked or topless more than I ever have before. I just don’t care. Before, I wouldn’t let Brian see me dress or shower. Now, towels are optional!
One way I am working on the skin thing is weight lifting at the gym. I truly feel if I did not do as much weight lifting as I had been doing, my skin would be worse by tenfold. However, I am getting very bored at the gym-not really having a plan. They don’t have classes. I hate cardio. I have bought three programs from a trainer named Ashley Horner. She is gorgeous, strong and motivating. Her programs have meal plans and everything included. I may not participate in that portion of it though. I have Sweet Cakes-which works on building a nice ass. My ass has become boney to the point that it hurts if I sit more than two hours at a time. I bought Crux-which is a core building program. I have abs under my loose skin, I want to push myself to see if I can get them to pop out though. The last program is extremely intimidating to me but its Magnify You which is an all-around, push yourself type program. I am not starting any of these programs for another month or so. I am excited but very nervous! Of course I will take progress pictures. I am looking forward to bulking up a bit because being as skinny as I am now (it’s weird to say that), I am cold all the time and can get cold very easily. I never knew how well insulated I was until the weight came off. I always have to bring a jacket to places. My nose runs if my body says ‘Heat me up, Johnny’. It’s crazy but it is a side effect of surgery. My nose also runs if I am full or hungry-strange but neat. It is how I listen to my body’s needs.
I get asked this question a lot: Since losing all the weight, how has bowling changed for you? Well, it definitely has for sure. In my left leg, which is the leg that I plant/slide with, I had tendonitis which required me to take arthritis medication for. I can recall more times than not, having to alter my physical game because of the pain I used to experience. My feet problems would hurt as well with my plantar fasciitis. I had to wear special gel supports in my shoes (bowling and non-bowling), sleep with these ugly ass boots every night when I had pain. I have always had abnormal flexibility in my joints/tendons and sometimes it would hurt my wrist/arm/Achilles tendon. Since working out, dropping the weight-I have none of these issues. I can actually bend my knee down more so because I don’t have an extra 100lbs to support. My backswing is straighter because I don’t have to compensate for my huge ass. This actually excites because I am going to start training for my huge tournaments I am bowling this summer.
On January 23rd, 2015 I hit my goal weight of 155lbs. I don’t know where I came up with number, it just sounded realistic and it would mean I lost 110lbs which is almost a person-like Snooki or something. The surgeon didn’t give me a goal weight. My team (nutritionist and coach) said that I would expect to lose 100lbs after surgery. This was on March 12th, 2015. Never in a million years would I see the number 145lbs on the scale again. I am not trying to lose more weight, it is happening on its own. I got all my mantra bands even though I will purchase them if I hit a 10lbs mark loss but I will not purposely strive to lose 10lbs. I am going to purchase one but it is currently out of stock. I was so excited that day I hit goal because I hit goal weight in under a year. That sounds so impressive to me. I have lost 124lbs total, 88lbs since surgery. I am so excited for my 1 year anniversary of my surgery. I have taken monthly progress pictures, taken measurements and daily selfies. I have a huge project that I want to complete for it! It is hard not to share those projects now! With weight loss though, I will keep losing until my next stall. Until then, let the pounds fall! Hard work does pay off and I think going to the gym, drinking only water and my diet is my success secret. I am now a size 6-8! I was at my highest, a size 26! When I go shopping, there is a rule that I have to take friends with me because I still don’t recognize my current size. It’s therapeutic for me to walk by Lane Bryant or even unsubscribing from their email list. Never thought I would do that. On the opposite side, I have a huge, huge lot of clothes that do not fit me. I cleaned my closet out and it was pretty sad for me to do. I got rid of pants, that I just purchased not long ago, size 12’s, I have to put them in the ‘for sale’ pile. Clothes that I have attachments to like ‘I wore that to X event’ or ‘I love those colors’-it was hard for me to let them go.
My diet is very much a clean diet. Sort of like Atkins meets Paleo meets 21 day fix. I eat no sugary products and I really hate processed foods (something from a box/frozen etc.). In fact, I’ve had chocolate only twice since surgery. The first was at a vision board party: I made sliced frozen bananas with cookie butter filling dipped in chocolate. I had three of them that night. I also had two Hershey kisses last night. I have chocolate protein shakes but not straight up candy/sugar. I’ve only had cheesecake once, a few days before my birthday. Those are about all the sweets, minus fresh fruit, that I’ve had since August. One really awesome side effect I’ve noticed, my skin is so clear. I have less pimples/break outs. It isn’t the birth control, I swear it’s the diet. I also drink 64+ ounces a day of water. I LOVE Smart Water. The taste is awesome. Meats are good-I go through phases where chewing meat sounds gross and makes me want to gag but for the most part I consume at least 80 grams of protein a day. I find all these facts impressive because of the industry I am in: food service/convenience stores/retail. I recently had meetings in which power brand vendors (e.g. Mars, Hershey, and Hostess) gave samples. I had about 8 large bags full of snacks. It goes to waste at my house so instead, Brian and I have been donating the snacks to a group home Brian used to work for. I am not super happy it is junk food I am donating but the home has appreciated it very much and have sent us hand written thank you notes. I feel in order for Brian and I to be successful in this surgery, we have to be prepared. I was snowed in Kearney a couple weeks ago with the whole town shut down. I knew the weather was going to be as bad as they predicted so I went to Target and got plenty of protein shakes to last me days. I’m happy I did this because there was nowhere for me to eat. You have to be prepared for success or poor decisions will linger.
My 6 month check-up is in two weeks. I am pretty excited for that so they can see me and see the progress I have. I also have some stuff I want to talk to them about. I have black out episodes now. It’s been happening for about three weeks. If I am laying down or sitting, I get up, I black out. I don’t know if I am standing up or if I fainted. The longest episode lasted about 45 seconds to 1 minute in South Dakota when dad and I worked up there. He saw me lose focus and kept talking to me. I could hear him but not see him even though I was looking straight at him. Another episode happened when I was out of town with Brian. I got up from laying down to take my daily selfie. I had my phone in hand getting the camera ready, turned the bathroom light on in the hotel, and I blacked out. I grabbed the wall so I knew I was at least standing. When I saw my physician, she said this happens because of low blood pressure. I need to flex my legs before getting up. This is due to my extreme weight loss.
Another thing I experienced was the night I shot 300. Since I cannot drink hard alcohol, Brian had bought the team a celebratory shot and got me pineapple juice shot. I had chest pains in my sternum the 3rd game. It got tremendously worse. I started sweating. My finger in my left hand went numb. I was driving and I had to pull over and have my parents help drive home even though I was only maybe 6 minutes from the house. I thought I was maybe having a stroke or heart attack. I’ve had pains twice since that time but none nearly as bad. It could be severe heart burn/acid reflux but I am unsure. It also sounds like a hernia issue. I also need to talk to surgeon about my medication changes. I was allergic to the birth control that my physician prescribed me. I had a literal reaction to it in a way that made my pubic area scale like a snake, yes-like shedding skin like a snake. It lowered my estrogen so much, that’s why that happened. I had to put estrogen cream on twice a day and also another steroid cream on once a day. They switched my birth control and things got much, much better. I have to use birth control because of the increased fertility after weight loss. My surgeon requires two forms of contraceptive-condom of some kind and birth control. The reason being is that sometimes pills do not absorb properly in the stomach (birth control) and therefore pregnancy chances increase greatly. I have seen people on my Facebook gastric sleeve page get pregnant within a month or two of surgery. This is not good. With that being said, my depression pills stopped absorbing. I have been going through terrible anxiety and depression the past month. I have been sleeping poor for the past three months (probably even more than that). She switched my depression medication from Pristiq to Fetzima and also put me on ambien. I have been on ambien before, in college when I couldn’t deal with the stress and therefore, not sleep. I am happy to report that within a week of taking the meds, things are amazing. I am also going to ask for a recommendation for a therapist in Omaha. I am admitting that I am a carb-a-phobe. I am deathly scared of carbohydrates. I don’t know how to eat it without freaking out in my own head. I was on the Atkin’s growing up, lost the most weight I had at that point, had to get off it and I gained it all back plus some. That is my fear. I am psychologically fearful of food. I am not saying I have a disorder but I am going to be proactive and start talking about it now so it does not become something I am not.
Keeping track of my goals is super important to me right now. I am a very big fan of vision boards. I had one in college and it is unbelievable how many of them came true. Some took a long time to achieve but looking at it every single day helps keep the focus on positive and accountability-how do you make sure you do something every day to get closer to one of your visions? I have a lot to tackle on mine. I decided not to put 2016 on it because I don’t want to feel I am biting off more than I can chew. I have accomplished a fair amount of them for the time I’ve had since making it. I have a huge one being accomplished next month and I can’t wait to share it with you all! I’ve said this before, some people just don’t care for me/like me because I’m out there. I get it. I don’t care. I don’t take offense. You have to at least respect that I get shit done and I put my mind to things, accomplish them and not think twice about it. I am so excited to accomplish my vision board! One. Step. At. A. Time.
kaleena's journey 