Trading One Addiction, For Another

Word of warning, this is going to go deep into my feelings. I’ve given a lot of thought to this topic and I ask for no judgment. Not that I would care if you do. I wouldn’t even know because you are sitting behind a computer screen or phone.

I have/had a long term, intimate relationship with food. I love to be around food all the time. I constantly think of my next move with food, ‘What is for dinner?’ or ‘I should ask Brian what we are doing for dinner’, which that is practically a threesome-Brian, myself and food. It is all the things I love. It is part of my small but important social circle.

Confession time; I am addicted to food; eating food, making food, thinking of food-pretty sure that is close enough to a text book definition of an addiction. Food has been practically my secret boyfriend for as long as I can remember. This is where I believe Brian and I have been bad teammates the most; we both influence each other to make bad decisions about food. When neither one of us want to make food, the first response out of either one of us-‘Well we could go out to eat at….I mean it is 7:00pm and by the time we start making food, its 8:00pm and doing dishes, getting ready for bed. We just as well go somewhere to eat.’ We can no longer have those nights, 3-5 nights a week. I don’t mean to make this sound like we will be freaks after surgery-we will still be able to eat out but we will make healthy choices and split a meal together.

I am definitely a meat and potatoes girl. I love starchy, fattening, comfort food. That is why I think it is debatable that it’s the sugar I’m addicted to. I’ve never been one to HAVE to purchase candy bars and junky shit like that at gas stations, movie theatres or Walgreens.  Do I enjoy sour gummies every now and again? Sure, I do. I don’t eat the whole entire bag. I am sure I did at some points but I hardly crave it. Since our journey has started with the surgery back in March, we have noticed how readily available junk food is. Why, on God’s green earth, does Staples have a 4 foot candy section with two-3 foot peg junk food sections? Brian and I went shopping over the weekend at the Gateway Mall in Lincoln. Why would The Shoe Department Encore, a store dedicated to only shoes, have a 4 foot section? We witnessed a seven year old kid beg his father for a Hershey bar, he got his way. Another thing we’ve noticed is the commercials on TV. Out of a one hour show we watch, the commercial breaks are four to six different ones. I would say that 75% of the commercials involve candy, fast food or something you can consume (that probably isn’t the greatest for you). I refuse to be an obesity statistic. I refuse to conform or get weak for those commercials.

One of my better decisions last year was moving from being a District Sales Consultant and now doing Convenience Store Merchandising. Before, I was selling what I love. Was I the best at it? Absolutely not, not even close. I was very good at giving ideas and suggestions on menu items though. Our sales meetings were the worst; samples galore, lunch was hardly healthy, temptation was all around. The food show that the company hosts is once a year and it is basically the equivalent to the biggest buffet ever, with knowledge of menu ideas, utilizing products, preparation and so on. If food were a true drug, it would be a drug addicts dream. Even after the show is over for the day, the company hosts a beautiful buffet afterward. Thousands of people attend the food show and all year they look forward to eating themselves into a coma. This past year, I did not eat a single bite of anything. I did not have my favorite fried appetizers, ice cream, Philly cheese steaks, I did not take home any samples of candy, pre-packaged donuts-nothing. I packed a cooler of healthy items and ate my lunch in the car. I think moving of positions was good because I didn’t HAVE to try the food to try and sell it to someone-that is what my old job was; selling food and maybe paper, chemicals, tobacco, cigarettes. You sell more food when you can describe it. My job went outside of food, I had to sell everything-basically everything that is bad for you, except paper. We don’t eat paper-although, I used to as a kid. Weird, I know. I did warn you I was throwing my feelings out there and I never said it wouldn’t get weird.

Bear with me; I am jumping ship about food but I promise, it will all relate. All my life, I have loved the Spice Girls. I was addicted to them; Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice and Ginger Spice. I can recite almost all their songs even to this day. I have probably watched Spice World movie more than any other movie, ever. I loved everything about them; their music, their clothes, their makeup, music videos and most of all, their shoes. I was a shoe addict because of them, or so I thought. They were basically the modern day Lady GaGa without the vulgar language, better music, weird dresses, amazing sunglasses, phenomenal hair and the proactive anti-gay/bullying messages she is heavily involved in. Hence probably why I am such a gigantic fan of Lady GaGa, she puts the Spice Girls to complete shame. What was I thinking?

Shoes-I have lost count of how many shoes I own. Last time I counted, I had approximately 110 pairs. You name a color, a style, a height, a price range, where I got them-I have them. I used to be known for my weird, careless style which involved a lot of my shoe choices. I remember as a young teen, going into the bowling alley with my newest pair of shoes to get ‘the looks’. I enjoyed people talking to me about them and when they would look forward to seeing me in which they ask, ‘What shoes are you wearing today?’ it always brightened my day. I also got haters-I would be called names, mostly behind my back that I am a weirdo. I still am but I own it much better now. My guilty pleasure; I still buy shoes even though I am not able to wear them because of my foot issues/injuries. Again, text book definition-“I don’t need them but I want them, nor can I use them.”

So, why do I have a shoe addiction? My answer; shoes were the only items of ‘clothing’ that I didn’t have to worry about weight. I was ALWAYS a size 8.5 no matter what. I didn’t have to worry about a store NOT having my size. I didn’t have to feel embarrassed that I ask for a larger size. I didn’t have to be disappointed if they don’t have my size. If I am not mistaken, size 8 shoe is average in America for females. I was normal-ish. I fell in love with the idea that I could feel pretty, unashamed, proud, guiltless of purchasing shoes. I did not have that same luxury with clothing. As much as I loved the Spice Girls style, I was never able to wear anything remotely close to their style due to my weight. I also wore odd clothing-I never felt good in them. Again, I got haters for this-in fact it got worse with name calling; “slut”, “wannabe”, “whore”. I always had to ask my mom if I looked fat or if the outfit was unflattering. This is still something I do to this day-looking for reassurance that I look OK in clothes because I don’t want to be ‘THAT one big girl that didn’t know how to dress herself and doesn’t have real friends telling her maybe she shouldn’t wear that.’ In all, I loved food too much but that did not affect my shoe size and I still fucking love that fact.

About a year after I developed my ‘shoe fetish/addiction’, I developed a new one; I was around 11 or 12 years old when I started experimenting with makeup. This is when my mom allowed me to play around with it. Besides, I was thinking about boys. It didn’t help that my older best friend at the time was boy crazy, always seeking attention and had a few boyfriends already. I wanted that. I realize I was young but I learn very fast and the social norm is to do certain things like dress up, look good, flirt and get boys to pay attention. Unfortunately, I should never have compared because I was entirely too young to make that comparison to someone older than me. At the time, it was not a self-esteem booster because I did not see it this way.

Makeup has developed into my absolute passion. In a perfect world, I would love to be a makeup artist with many hats; I want to do bridal make up, fantasy make up, avant-garde, scary/gory, science-fiction, high fashion, theatrical make up, movie make up, I wanted to do it all. What I realized just the other day is that, I never felt beautiful. It wasn’t even about weight, it went beyond that. Maybe it was the issues with image my brother created about me, maybe it was my own insecurity, and maybe it was the bullying I experienced (that went beyond just my looks-this can be a later blog). That doesn’t matter anymore. I just wanted to be seen, to be noticed, to look and feel pretty. I felt that I had to use the materialistic things to make me noticed because I didn’t feel good about me, inside or out. I wanted my shoes to be the star of my show because I knew I was too fat to be ‘pretty’, for boys to notice me. I wanted to wear makeup, most times I felt I have to. Sometimes I would wear very vivid/strange makeup to get people to see that I can look pretty (I still do this but only because I feel I am pretty awesome at it). By the time I was 15 or 16 years old, it was a rare occurrence that people saw me without make up including boyfriends. I used makeup as a mask to hide ‘the ugly, fat Kaleena’. So help me God if I ever had an imperfection on my face, it was the end of the world. Luckily by that age, I was pretty good at even hiding that type of imperfection. At that point, I could hide anything-including my deep seeded feelings. Let’s not even get into stretch marks, again it will be another blog.

I have worked out some of these issues, but they are still there as they are very deep seeded. I understand therapy is probably the next step for me; perhaps I have some body dysmorphia issues I need to face. All my life I can be told I am beautiful, smart and so on, but I still have something holding me back from 100% believing it. I am WAY better at accepting it now than I have before. Even on my wedding day, the day I am supposed to be the most beautiful-I still had slivers of the insecurities and negativity-the little devil on my shoulder. Four years later, lots of thinking and analyzing- I have learned to be my own person. At this point in my life, I want to trade those deep seeded addictions between food, shoes and makeup for a new type of addiction. I want an addiction that is healthy-with no underlying, deep seeded bullshit. I want to be addicted to my health, my happiness, my exercise, my soul, my daily improvement, my Zen. I want to be addicted to me. Selfish as that is, I am seeing that more clearly that the addiction I need most is to myself. This is yet another reason why I believe that Brian and I taking the steps we are, preparing to be a better ‘us’ together and individually, is going to definitely help our parenting.

With the surgery, I have come to terms that in order to be a better me, I have to end my unhealthy relationship with food. I have already begun this process several months ago. I am looking very much forward to my psychological and physical journey. I am looking forward to shopping in stores, not for shoes, but for clothes that aren’t in the Plus Size sections, or sometimes the maternity sections. I am looking forward to being disappointed that they don’t have my size because I will be ‘normal’ and I am looking forward to not having to ask anyone if I look OK in something because I’ll just know. Most of all, I am looking forward to saying, “I am beautiful and I am healthy”, meaning it wholeheartedly and agreeing with people 100% if they tell me a compliment. Again, the looks/weight loss is a wonderful side effect of the surgery. It is the health and health benefits I am obtaining after I get it.

My One Month Celebration

My journey to surgery has taken a new milestone; I am now exactly one month away from going under the knife-or scope? Whatever, I’m not a doctor. I couldn’t have had a better ‘one month away’ celebration. From now on, I am going to call it a celebration because today was the first time I physically saw how the surgery is going to affect me. I feel every day, I am celebrating something involving the way I am mentally preparing for the surgery. Hence, the ‘celebration’ of my journey!

After I posted My Rant on Thursday (7.23.15), I had wonderful feedback from people with their support. I did have some concerns from others but with reassurance as best I could give, it went fine. I should be the one most worried about the surgery be it the complications, self-doubt, the pain but in honest-I have a great feeling about the whole thing. I trust my doctor with my life (obviously), I have a high pain tolerance (it will be temporary anyways) and I have set my mind to being successful (the most important part). Brian has always told me that he has seen a side of me that he doesn’t see often, particularly in my bowling back in my younger days. If I was determined to do something, I talk about it before hand that I really want it and then I achieve it. This is my fire. Sometimes my fire happens when I am mad, actually really fucking mad but a fire can’t blaze without a little fuel of some kind. I had such an awakening today with my feelings and reality of me after I met Kendra for the first time today.

Kendra had text me after my rant with such a loud applause that I swear I heard through my cell phone. She had to meet me. We set up a coffee date for today at 8AM at MoJava. Such a wonderful place, I would recommend it. I had a decaf orange hot tea and she had a ‘froo-froo” iced coffee, of course being healthy and I LOVED that she was healthy and drinking normal things! We took a seat and conversation just rolled off our tongues. I swear I asked more questions to her than I did my entire five year college education—and I am no shy person. As I stated before, Brian was the one to talk to me about the surgery. He learned about the surgery from Kendra, whom works with Brian. She is nothing less than wonderful, beautiful and a soul I felt connected with instantly. He had told me so much about her and her journey-at least as much as he knew at least. He went as far as saying that he could see us being pretty good friends! I wanted to dive in her life’s journey before surgery, during surgery and how her surgery in April has changed her.

After hearing her long waited, incredible journey to find her inner ‘Her’, I realized now more than ever, this is what I need. Talking with Kendra today, I started to feel the glowing sensation of the transition I will make. We talked about the mind fucks I will go through, the clothes will just stop fitting-for once in my life it will be due to weight loss and not gain, the money we will save with groceries/eating out, the appreciation of food and flavor I will gain. I thought my light bulb of that feeling came when I attended the free informative seminar for the second time, this time with my parents. It happened this week and after seeing 20 people in the room learning about how they can change their life, listening to my surgeon preach to all of us how he has helped thousands of people-this is FOR ME! The light bulb didn’t go on-Kendra flipped my switch. I wish I would have known about this several years ago and I haven’t even had the surgery yet. The surgeon even said, “98% of the people that I know who have had this surgery, specifically say-‘I would do this all over again’. The other 2% that do not say that, did not take care of themselves the way they should have in their recovery and therefore, had regrets”. I have gone through the ‘What if’s…’with Brian. He is braver than I am. He will not let me fail. Kendra won’t let me fail. I won’t let me fail.

Kendra had wonderful advice to offer on what she wishes she had done pre-surgery. One thing she suggested is to take before and after pictures often. It couldn’t have been a better night to do that. As much as I dreaded being in my underwear, bra and Brian with a camera-I had to have a conversation that this is a work in progress. It is embarrassing, feeling shameful after seeing the photos but also I got excited thinking back to this morning with Kendra-the difference I am going to make. She also suggested I do measurements. I have measurements in weight (e.g. what all the following weigh-ass, arms, legs) but do not have actual measurements. Again, it couldn’t have been a better day to do it-my one month celebration.

I also found out that Kendra has a very good friend that also has the same gym membership as we do. She is training for a marathon and works out there a fair amount. Kendra had given her good friend my number so that I can have a gym buddy, someone to motivate me to go. After texting quite a bit today, I now have a gym date at 5:15AM on Monday.

Needless to say, my new hero is Kendra and I plan on following her footsteps very closely.  I never have been more positive about life-ever! The beginning of feeling good on the outside as much as I am starting to feel good on the inside, I cannot wait for both of those things to coincide with one another, just like how I saw Kendra today.

My Rant-Journey to Me Part I

This is what I posted on my Facebook to ‘Out’ myself about my infertility and weight loss journey.

I actually wrote it a week in advance and it took me five times to actually post it. I copied and paste the Word document that many times, couldn’t hit ‘Post’. I am very, very glad I did. It will hold me accountable with the people that really care about my life. For those who are reading this, I will need that accountability. Please help me achieve a goal. What a relief it was after I posted the status and then the comments started flowing, my anxiety was at rest.

I posted this on July 23rd, 2015….

Quiet often, people are criticized for posting their ‘dirty laundry’, personal stories/triumphs or other assorted drama on their Facebook/social media. Sometimes it’s for awareness or education or even to help other people that are posting to cope with themselves or through the empathy of others.

With that said; If you are one to not care about what people decide to do with their lives (in this case it would be what I am doing or where I have been in my life) please keep scrolling, hide my post, unfollow me, delete my cell phone number, forget where I live or defriend me every way possible from your life all together because I just don’t give a shit, it is ME time. I am going to know who my real friends are eventually anyways. I am not looking to be criticized, judged, to be called brave or seek any type of attention from this catharsis. It has taken a lot for me to admit all of this to you. Yes, you, the person who did not keep scrolling. My friend. At the end of this, I want to change your outlook on certain things, think about how you may treat others or what you say to them, educate/inform you and maybe it will not make you feel not so alone if you can relate to any of what I am saying.

As much as I had not wanted to post anything like this because I like to keep private mostly from the web, I have made the decision to let some things off my chest. First and foremost, I made the decision to not bowl on the Professional Women’s Bowling tour at all this year. I am slightly disappointed as are some others like my husband, but this is not a good year for me to do so. I do not want to compete until I am 100% healthy, recovered from injuries and practiced to the max.

On a more positive note, this year alone, I have put myself as close to number one as I probably have in my whole entire life. I have been labeled ‘Mother Hen’ at some points in my life because I care more for others than myself. I probably have put myself in the top 10 but never have I ever been number one. Trust me; being labeled the Mother Hen has been a blessing and a curse. For those who know me at a much deeper level, they would agree that I would literally give my shirt off my back for people. I have done that metaphorically in a way, for several people I love and cherish. I am not asking for a medal, I never expect a thank you and the majority of times, not to even be repaid in any form. I believe in karma wholeheartedly-the good and bad of it. My parents raised me right; treat people how you want to be treated. They are such wonderfully caring, supportive people; providing and doing all that for me, my brother, to my friends, to complete strangers. I am an equal amount of my parent’s personality and I wouldn’t change that for the world. There are things I want to change about me which are not reflections of anyone but my own journey. What made me just now, this year, decide to start putting myself close to first? I’ll explain.

Something that very few people know about me and Brian; we have been unable to conceive a child since December 2011. We are undiagnosed with an infertility problem. We had sort of been researching the issue but decided to not be fully committed to seeking help because we aren’t the healthiest, best us that we can be. We’ve heard that nothing prepares you for becoming parents but we think that we can try to do our best to prepare us for the life we would have. Due to this infertility issue, I have gone through mixed emotions; depression, self-blaming tendencies, anger, grief, embarrassment and shame. We haven’t told a lot of people because I didn’t want anyone to know. It wasn’t until recently I started to talk about it more to people. My typical response is nothing less than uncomfortable when the questions I get about, ‘When are you having children?’ or ‘Why don’t you have children? Don’t YOU want any?’ In fact, I was just asked that a couple weeks ago for about the thousandth time. It doesn’t get any better when I hear the dreaded questions. I know I am not alone in that, infertility is a very common thing and I know that now. I am able to talk about it, be OK with it. I also despise the term, ‘It will happen when it happens’, ‘Stop thinking about it/trying so hard-then it will happen’ or ‘Patience’. Sometimes saying nothing is best and just listening.

It wasn’t until around the third month of ‘not-not trying’ that I saw myself get extremely, extremely discouraged. Not talking to anyone but Brian about it, I started to emotionally eat and drink, something that I was very familiar with. I have done that all my life. I had officially given up on everything; ‘trying’ to get pregnant, caring about myself, caring about life basically. This wasn’t my first rodeo with emotionally trying to eat or drink my feeling into a numbing haze. I felt I had lost a baby I never even had-I don’t know that feeling, never do I want it nor do I wish that upon anyone but it is the only thing I can compare it to. This spiral of a train wreck continued for a long time, my feelings were getting worse and not being able to talk to anyone about it because of the shame I felt about myself. It was never about Brian, he scientifically cannot carry the child so I always blamed me. Every month, my period came as she always does-disappointment just dug me a little deeper into the ground. Here I am now, realizing what I have done to myself for all those years.

What I don’t think people realize is when they ask couples shortly after marriage the dreaded questions I was bombarded (still to this day) with what seemed like constantly-it really is none of their business and if the information isn’t offered, it probably isn’t a question that should be asked. I will admit I did not handle the situation the best I could by spiraling control with my emotions but also, I don’t know why so many people felt the right to know the answer. All I ask is that if you are curious about it, let people tell the story off the why’s and why not’s because you may not even realize the pain you could be causing by asking a painful question. This comes to my next chapter of the ME time.

Brian and I are have not always the best teammates for one another. We are working on that very hard this year. We have never been more connected as we are now. This is because we agreed that before we seek the fertility help we need that we will get our lives in order financially, figuring out location of where we live, and most importantly-living a long, wonderful, healthy, loving life. We weren’t sure how to do this with our histories of bad behaviors together. It wasn’t until January 17th that we figured it out.

If I had a dollar for every time I have been judged, called names, bullied or have been told ‘you have a pretty face, but you are an awfully bigger girl’ or labeled ‘the fat friend’, the ‘biggest girl on the team’, ‘big boned’-I would be able to afford the Nissan 12 passenger van I want. One of the worst ones I received, I tried out at a modeling agency at the age of 14 years old. I was turned down because, “You are beautiful, I love the face but you are a little thick” as the agent shooed me away so the next girl could be judged. As if I didn’t know that I am. I have come to own those labels for years now. In fact, I will even call myself those not so positive things. The biggest issue I have is that these comments are coming from not only strangers or doctors but people who are my friends. What people, including my friends, may not know is my journey to how I got here. I have yo-yo dieted my entire life. I have done doctor monitored diets, done about every fad diet, been on prescription diet pills, I’ve seen nutritionists and still nothing has worked for me. I am having health issues now (planers fasciitis, tendonitis, Achilles tendon pain etc.) and my depression got bad enough in December when Brian’s mom passed away that I chose to get a tool to help me; the best depression pill on the market. I have wanted nothing more than to be skinnier, to fit in with my skinny attractive friends. Seeing pictures of myself with other people is one of my least favorite things to do; all I see is ‘the big girl’, the ‘fat friend’. I feel I have been skinny on the inside, fat on the outside for as long as I remember and nothing seems to work. Could you imagine feeling something like that? It is very frustrating. This goes beyond appearance though, it is about health. The start to a solution is around the corner.

Brian approached me with an idea on January 17th to have bariatric sleeve surgery for himself. We discussed the life style changes that would need to be made before, during and after the surgery and it is a completely different life style than I’ve ever heard of. It is structured, rigorous, detailed and beneficial in about every area imaginable. I told him if this is something he wants to do, I will have to do it with him or else this wouldn’t work. The surgery is a tool people use to be healthy and the positive side effects just so happen to be weight loss.

We agreed to do the surgery together. On March 12th, we had our first consultation with our team of supporters (nurses, nutritionist etc.) in which we got the ball rolling. This is why I have quit drinking soda, actually on that day we did our consultation I decided I would quit cold turkey and never look back. In sum of what the surgery consists of, the surgery is removing 80% of your stomach, including the area that creates the sensation of cravings. The surgery itself will take anywhere from 20-45 minutes and is done laparoscopically by a fantastic surgeon in Omaha. I will be on a liquid diet 10 days before surgery, 20 days after surgery and then I move to softer foods. This means; no more carbonated drinks, a structured diet for the first year after surgery, no smoking and no alcohol. I will have to take vitamins 4 times a day, drink at least 64 ounces of water a day, consume at least 60 grams of protein a day and I cannot drink 30 minutes before, during or after eating. The first four months will be the hardest as some of that will get easier with practice. These are just some of the things I am going to manage after the surgery.

Since March, Brian and I have both have lost about 25lbs with getting in to our life style changes prepping for the surgery. I am feeling better by the day and have even enjoyed making healthy foods at home. We have completed two 5K challenges in Lincoln, we are also swimming a lot and will be planning on getting apersonal trainer(s). Although the next 6 months will be very, very, very difficult for me(my surgery will be August 25th) I felt it was appropriate to let it all on the table because you-my friend- need to understand my life, my life style and what I have gone through and what I am going through. I am going to lose approximately 100lbs. On the down side: kids are on hold for a long while. On the up side; there is a fairly large increase in fertility. We are hoping that perhaps the infertility is caused by weight somehow. It wouldn’t matter if it’s the weight causing the infertility, it is a win-win for everyone because I do know it will happen eventually. We are so, so, so excited that we will be living longer to see them grow and see our future grandchildren grow.

I hope this makes a difference for someone. I take that back-it did; it made a difference for me because I no longer have to worry about a ‘story’ to tell others as to why I am doing what I am doing. There will be no gossip and I have a large brick off my chest that has been there for a long time. I am simply being myself, my open book life style with this whole journey. This is MY life, MY journey and I am with MY husband, and we are going to be improving our lives for the better, together. I am incredibly proud of us and our goals, being more focused than ever.

In all, keep the negativity to yourself if you have any. Think about the consequences of asking questions that could be hurtful before you ask them. Stop judging others because you will never know their full journey and be kind to yourself. Wish us luck! And for Brian Shannon, I love you very much for being my constant rock in life.

P.S. if you have legitimate questions or want to learn what we have learned, please just ask us.