This is Why I’m Fat…

I have a huge challenge for you. It can take you anywhere from 30 minutes to 5 hours depending on the effort you put forth but one thing I will guarantee you, it will open your eyes. The challenge: Take some time to inventory what you eat in a week.  This helped Brian and I realize a few things about our lives. It helped to realize A) why I am fat (for the most part) continuing with my blog of addiction and B) this helped me realize what I can still improve on and where I came from starting this journey. You can learn from our mistakes and maybe help you realize some of your own as well.

Over the weekend, Brian and I traveled out of town to spend a fantastic time helping my best friend get married. The (beautiful-couldn’t-have-been-more-perfect) wedding was in Colorado, so we had several hours to kill in the car with one another. Once on the road, our conversation suddenly shifted to food. Yes, food-remember? The thing I finally admitted out loud that I was addicted to just last week. We decided my next blog (this one, duh!) will be sort of a continuation of a confessional involving that same topic of food. I was slightly embarrassed even talking to Brian about all this because it is outright shameful the way we used to eat. It was nothing short of mindless. Food is sort of an embarrassing topic for people in general I think, especially when they know deep down the choices they make are poorly made. I always chuckle at myself, guilty as ever, I order a double cheeseburger, large fry and a DIET COKE-you know to save on the calories! Or every Summer, I have to eat better-you know, salads and shit so that I don’t feel or look as fat. As if 3 months will get me in the shape I want to be. Mindless.

Mindless is the best thing I can call it. My definition of mindless eating-when you let yourself (over) indulge all the things you absolutely want to consume to the point of not knowing what you are doing on the inside of your body, the long term. I didn’t know that eating as much as I was, bad food nonetheless would have such consequences. One aftershock effect I experienced-feeling so miserable about myself-I wouldn’t let Brian, my own husband, see me naked or in my underwear. I wouldn’t even let him see me dress in the bedroom, going to the bathroom-door shut and locked. This went on for three and half years. I felt terrible about me. Me. Mindless. Me. Much like a drug addict unknowingly killing themselves slowly or harming their body/hygiene, food is actually not much different. I do take part of this statement back; there is an element of denial. Brian and I even spoke about that denial. I would ask him after eating, “Dinner wasn’t that bad for us, right?” and his response, “No-it wasn’t that bad” in which we would justify it being OK what we ate and how much of it we did. I have always been a huge fan of learning, reading, exploring the ‘Seven Deadly Sins’- I am almost obsessed with it-perhaps because I am aware that I have almost all seven of them, my most practiced one is gluttony and sloth. Who doesn’t have at least most of those sins-right?

Brian asked me to pull a pen and paper out. We actually made a menu of what we used to eat last year/early this year. This was actually very hard because we couldn’t remember what we used to do for food. I would say that is a phenomenal stride considering we’ve made pretty drastic changes in our life since March. You will understand why I said we have been bad teammates; the question we both would ask fairly frequently, “What should we do for food?” The embarrassment of this blog gradually went away because we wanted to prove a point. In calculating the calories-so, so high in calories, I could feel the fat piling on just thinking about it, in my mouth with every word rolling off my tongue-disgust, my stomach in knots with guilty feelings of neglect. I then wondered; why was I so shameful by calculating a 6,000 calorie day-admitting it out loud and yet I was eating this shitty, greasy food more than likely in front of you at one point anyways? The difference is accountability within myself-knowing what I was doing, awareness. Needless to say, my whole philosophy now is being pre-meditative. I have to research what I will order before eating out or else temptation will get the best of me. A couple tools that have helped me, the app on my phone MyFitnessPal and my FitBit app, have truly been a huge eye opener on how mindless, careless, and neglecting I was being to myself and in turn, being a shitty teammate to Brian and not supporting his choices either. This list literally was making us ill to our stomachs.

This is what an average week would look like eating poorly (for me/us)-This is Why I’m Fat:

(Parentheses indicates approximate calories)

• Monday
• Breakfast= Nothing
• Lunch= Gas Station
• 2 Pepper jack Tornados (440), 1 Large 44oz Coke Zero, Sunflower Seeds (240)
• Dinner= Big Red Keno Restaurant/Bar
• Appetizer: Poutine-waffle fries, cheese curds, brown gravy, ground beef (650)
• Beef Philly cheese Steak Sandwich (600), Large Hash brown (side) with cheese (430)
• Three- 32 oz frosty Blue Moon beers (1798)
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 4,158
• Tuesday
• Breakfast= Nothing
• Lunch= Wendy’s
• Baconator with Pretzel bun (1,050), large fries (500), large Diet Coke
• Dinner= Homemade-Beef Burgers (because Brian got jealous I had Wendy’s without him)
• 80/20 Beef approximately 8-10oz (570), Rotella burger bun (150), 1 or 2 brats (240), brat bun (210),1 fried egg (90), ½ box Kraft Mac & Cheese (600), 2 or 3 Coke Zero’s
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 3,410
• Wednesday
• Breakfast= Nothing
• Lunch= Hu Hot (all you can eat Mongolian buffet)
• 2 full plates mixed with-Chinese noodles, beef, water chestnuts, green/red peppers, pineapple, jalapenos, chow mien noodles, shaved coconut, egg drop soup, white rice, 8-10 ladles of assorted sauces, 4 Coke Zero w/ Lime
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 3,000
• Dinner= Deleon’s Mexican Fast Food
• Chorizo Special Burrito (eggs, chorizo, dice potato, cheese), ½ XL cheese quesadilla, 32oz Diet Coke
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 4,638

• Thursday
• Breakfast= Nothing
• Lunch= Gas Station-Country Fried Steak
• 10oz CFS, extra gravy (570), scrambled eggs (180), extra gravy (350), mashed potatoes (200), two 16 oz Diet Cokes
• Dinner= Homemade-Sirloin Steak
• 12oz sirloin steak (1,000), 1/2lbs cocktail shrimp and sauce (243), garlic Texas toast (200), Pistachio Gelato Ice Cream (350)
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 3,093
• Friday
• Breakfast= Nothing
• Lunch= Nothing
• Snack= Nutri-Grain Bar (120)
• Dinner= Old Chicago
• 1/3 portion of Italian Nacho’s (530), 1/3 large Chicago style Meat Me pizza (1536), 4 tall microbrew beers (1260-for the World Beer Tour/Mini Tours)
• Movie theatre-32 oz Diet Coke
• Home-1/2 bottle of Southern Comfort Lime (900)
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 4,346
• Saturday
• Breakfast=Homemade-Belgium Waffle
• 1 Belgium waffle (200), butter (110), syrup (200), sausage patties (560)
• Lunch= Chinese/Sushi Buffet
• 2 plates full of-steamed white rice (260), sweet/sour chicken (460), beef/broccoli (360), 6 crab Rangoon’s (390), fruit (140), 5 pieces of sushi (350), ice cream (200) and 4 Diet Soda’s
• Dinner= Homemade-Beef Stroganoff
• Beef, egg noodles (600), gravy (600), garlic bread (200), 3 Coke Zero’s
• Movie night at home: 3 bottles of wine (1,530)
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 6,160
• Sunday
• Breakfast= Nothing
• Lunch= Sushi
• Appetizer: Miso Soup (80), Spicy edamame (330)
• Splitting a Sushi Boat-9 rolls which is 25 pieces per person (1400)
• Dinner= Topper’s Pizza
• Medium Boneless Parmesan Chicken Wings (confession-Brian and I would eat this on the way home so we wouldn’t have to share with others) (720)
• Large Tator Tot Loaded Pizza (260), Large Mac & Cheese Pizza (420), Bacon/Chocolate Cheese Bread Sticks (700), Ranch sauce (160), Garlic butter sauce (145)
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 3,955

Total Calories for the Week: 29,760 calories which is 4,251 calories a day

Here is what a current, healthy, week looks like (for me/us):

• Monday
• Breakfast= Protein shake (160)
• Snack= String Cheese Stick (80)
• Lunch= Breakfast Restaurant
• Veggie/Ham/Egg beater omelet (300), wheat toast (125)
• Dinner= Homemade pasta rigatoni pie
• Cheese, ricotta cheese, mozzarella cheese, meat sauce, 90/10 ground beef (1,100)
• Snack= 1 glass Chocolate FairLife Milk (160)
• 50 ounces of water
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 1,925
• Tuesday
• Breakfast= Protein shake (160)
• Lunch= Cocktail shrimp (225), left over pasta pie (900)
• Dinner=Homemade cauliflower meat me pizza (640)
• Cauliflower, Greek yogurt/protein milk cheese sauce, turkey meat
• 50ounces of water
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 1,925
• Wednesday
• Breakfast= Protein Enriched Water (70)
• Lunch= Homemade Carb-less Chicken enchilada’s (350)
• Dinner= Homemade/Left overs
• Sirloin steak (5oz), pasta pie, ham/cheese quesadilla, 2 ½ glasses of wine (1,100)
• 42 ounces of water
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 1,520
• Thursday
• Breakfast= Envy Apple (52), protein shake (160)
• Snack=Protein Water (70)
• Lunch= Hy-Vee
• All-you-can-eat soup/salad-2 oz chicken gumbo (120), 1 large salad with garbanzo beans, roasted chicken, peas, cheese shredded, ranch dressing (550)
• Dinner= Homemade smoked pulled chicken with sriracha sauce (140)
• Snack= 1 cup FairLife Chocolate Milk (160)
• 64 ounces of water
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 1,080
• Friday
• Breakfast= Protein shake (180)
• Lunch=Homemade-Enchilada mixture (220) chicken, egg white, cheese, beans
• Dinner= Homemade-bunless turkey burger (portabella mushroom, Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter, oil, seasoning, cheese, lettuce (375)
• Snack: Protein Enriched water= (70)
• 55 ounces of water
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 1,025
• Saturday
• Breakfast= Homemade-2 XL eggs over easy, salsa, Sriracha, protein shake (340)
• Lunch= Imitation crab sushi (120), garlic roasted chicken breast deli meat (140), roast beef deli meat (160), jalapeno sliced deli cheese (120)
• Dinner= protein shake (240)
• 70 ounces of water
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 1,140
• Sunday
• Breakfast= Homemade chicken, veggie quiche (300)
• Lunch= Protein Shake (160), Envy Apple (52), hard boil egg (80)
• Dinner= Roast beef/turkey/cheese protein wrap (300), homemade white chicken chili soup (140)
• 64 ounces of water
• Total Approx. Calories for me: 1,032

Total Calories for the Week: 9,647 calories which is 1,378 calories a day

My diet consists of high protein, low carb, low-calorie food and drink. Logging my food and water intake is very, very important to me and the future of my success. Starting this week, I am planning on logging my work outs for when I hit ‘the Great Wall’ of plateau, so I can analyze it later, perhaps with my team (nutritionist, personal trainer, my support team). Success does not have to be measured in weight loss or muscle gained or even the difference in clothing sizes. Bariatric patients call this “NSV” which stands for “Non-Scale-Victory”. I, among a large percentage of people, focus too much “on the number” of weight- we either go up, down, or maintain. I’ve called the scale a fucker out loud more times than my highest weight and in fact I have nicknamed my scale Fucker. As if it’s the scales fault for the three pound gain here and there. As if the scale twisted my arm to eat a 6,000 calorie day. Not even a joke.

My biggest NSV happened in mid-April; I was able to put my third wedding band on. I haven’t been able to do that for a couple years. I am determined to not let the scale measure my health (to a certain extent), happiness or success. Disappointment has hit me too many times with the Fucker. This is a completely different journey than I am used to with my “yo-yo” dieting, something I have done since I was ten or eleven years old. I’m so happy Brian and I are doing this together because we are learning, being wonderful team mates and loving one another more than ever. We discovered with our menu confessions that 1). We never drank water unless we were hung over and drank gallons of pop a week 2). We never considered calories in vs. calories out 3). We were in denial that we weren’t eating out that much. 4). We justified our bad choices.

The sum of the “healthy” week’s calories (9,647) actually was almost the total of the “poor choices” worst day (Saturday) at 6,160 calories. Brian did the math and to burn off all the excess calories we took in during an average week, we would have to jog almost 9 miles a day to BREAK EVEN, insane! Just last week I was so proud of myself for running a minute a thirty seconds straight. I haven’t been able to do that since I was probably eight. That is another NSV for me!

Once we were done with making our menu, we decided to have a little bit more fatty fun and make a list of some of the worst foods/habits we’ve ever done in our life and some of our favorite horrible foods. This is our couple’s confession on how we got fat (we lost track of calories towards the end of the list because it was getting a little sickening):

• Grilled cheese with 10oz of cheese 1800
• Potatoes chip sandwich 500
• 2 big rock stars 520 62 grams of sugar
• 3 NOS, 2 dews  and a 5 hour energy 790 mg of caffeine
• 2 liter of diet dew for 324 mg of caffeine
• Hash house pork loin 2300
• Hash house quesadilla estimated at 2000
• Gluttony burger at Sinful burger 2300 with philly egg rolls for 779
• A whole birthday cake 400 calorie per 10 pieces
• Bacon baby 3360
• Chips and Sriracha dip 2600
• Chipotle burrito extra meat extra rice, chips and guac 2200
• Sugar donut eating contest 2260 plus
• Val’s pizza eating contest 4636
• Oreo eating contest 1040
• Pancake eating contest 2260
• Golden Corral Mac and cheese/broccoli 2540
• Large thin crust dominos meat 2360
• Pan of Fruckies 5110
• Peanut butter marshmallow cereal rice krispie treats 1800
• Buzzard Billy’s monsterella sticks, armadillo eggs, fried gator, philly po boy and 2 hurricanes 3200
• Maraschino cherry eating contest 2800
• Wendy’s triple with chicken nuggets and large fry 2700
• Arby’s Big Montana, mozzarella sticks, large curly fry, large diet pop
• McDonalds 16 double cheese burgers (no buns), with cheese
• 6 lbs of bacon
• 4lbs of prime rib
• McDonalds double quarter pounder with cheese, large fry, large coke
• Burger King double croissantwich, large tator tot, large orange juice
• Red Lobster Ultimate Fest-6 biscuits, fries, shrimp pasta, clam chowder
• Runza-2 cheese runza’s mushroom burger, large fries, pop
• KFC double down sandwich, large fries, extra chicken thigh
• Entire box of oatmeal pies
• Entire box of zebra cakes
• Culvers-double butter burger, large cheese curds, cement ice cream mixer (oreo, reese’s peanut butter cup, butterfinger mix)
• Jimmy John’s-the gargantuan, chips, large soda, cookie
• Texas Roadhouse-3 or 4 cinnamon buttered rolls, huge ribeye steak, shrimp, Caesar salad, double order of fries with bacon/cheese, 2 cocktails
• Red Robin-double bacon cheeseburger, large beers, fries, appetizer with jalapeno coins, mozzarella sticks and onion rings
• Five Guys-Double bacon cheese burger, loaded with everything on it, 1.5 large fries, soda

Do what Brian and I did this past weekend with our menus. Accept my challenge and see what you are doing with your life and health. Whether you are losing weight, trying to lose weight, a skinny person, a body builder, a struggler (me!), maintaining weight- as I promised, you will see something, open your eyes like us. I hope what you see is our struggle; it is a true, real struggle. We ask for no sympathy, advice or encouragement (although that is nice). We will not, I repeat, we will NOT be freaks after surgery. We will still have cheat days, splurging-just not like we used to. Just you wait and see! We are doing what WE need to do to change OUR lives. What we may ask of you, our friend, support our good decisions because we as human beings do indeed know what a good decision is. As I said, I was embarrassed posting this because the calories were so disgustingly high, I wasn’t active at all with exercise and therefore putting on the pounds was easy. I joke of “stress eating” and “stress drinking”-but was that really a joke? Someone should have shook the living hell out of me and said, “Stop”-joking or not because I knew I had to but didn’t want to, the gluttony was too satisfying and the sloth was comforting.

I hope what you see in your own confessions: that you can be proud of eating well even if you have eaten poorly or occasionally eat poorly. It could always be worse (6,000+ calories) and it could always be better. The temptation is there, all around us, every single day. I hope that you see: you are not alone. I hope that you see; there is always room for improvement even if you are eating well. It is up to you to make the changes need-just like we are doing. I’m seeing the world more in the words of my new idol Ronda Rousey,

“…I’m not a do nothin’ bitch”.