My Hopes, Dreams and Goals: Being Fearful, Scared Shitless

It’s been exhausting putting on a brave face for this whole journey. The saying I am all to familiar with, “Fake it until you make it” is easier said than done in this situation. I’ve had moments of weakness this week with the thought of surgery around the corner. I cannot believe just next week I start my all-liquid-diet for 10 straight days until surgery and will continue to do that for a month thereafter. Needless to say, I am getting scared shitless-at times. Maybe the more accurate description would be anxious. I’ve struggled with anxiety/anxiousness my entire life, along with depression. If I had a choice, I’m not sure which one I would rather have; depression or anxiety. Both are pretty awful.

It also doesn’t help that I’m a creature of habit, partially due to my anxiety. Change is not something I crave or desire. Poor Brian has to put up with me when I go against trying new things or places. I will say, more times than not, I have enjoyed when he pushes me to do/try new things. For me, it’s just a matter of mentally preparing; I have to talk myself into it-that it will be okay and that most times, it’s temporary.

Nothing was different with the thought of this surgery. I was scared. I was anxious. Not because of anything like the possibility I could die or have complications afterwards (although anything can happen and I am creating a living will, just in case). I was scared because I have to give up a life that I was used to living. The life style I had been living for as long as I could remember. I was scared and anxious of the change. This change is different from anything I’ve ever experienced and not even ‘normal’ people know how hard this is going to be. This is not like going to my favorite restaurant and deciding to not order my favorite thing on the menu and therefore I try something new and if I don’t like it, I can send I back and get my favorite thing. There would be no turning back. This change is forever. I will forever have to watch what I eat. I will forever have to take vitamins and supplements. I will forever have to drink water or something healthy-no more soda/carbonated beverages. I will forever have to be careful of alcohol. I will forever have to exercise. This change is something I have to be accountable for until I die.  But, the real question is: are all those permanent things I listed, unreasonable? No! Absolutely not. They are changes I would have to make if I want to become the mother I want to be in my head. That brings me to my next point.

I’ve debated with myself for a couple weeks on whether or not I was going to publicly post what I hope to accomplish with the surgery, getting healthy and fit. Again, this is my fear of change taking over; questions linger in my head of the possibility of disappointment, proving to my haters I can’t do it, letting people down (Brian), letting myself down are just to name a few of my fears and what I’m scared of what might happen. I’m making the decision to talk about the goals I wish to accomplish in the next few years. Why did I decide this? Because I want my journey to be honest, sincere and I don’t want to hold anything back from myself or you. I want to look back at this blog entry and say to myself, “Oh wow! I did it! I accomplished that!” or say, “That’s right-I forgot about that goal-I’ll work on it” and I am asking you, my friend, to hold me accountable on the things I say I want to accomplish. I WANT you to ask me how a certain goal is coming along. I WANT you to know if I am failing or falling short of success. I shall learn to shed the embarrassment because, after all, you have been a part of my journey thus far, somehow, and I hope you want me to succeed. And maybe, just maybe, you may ask me how you can help me get there. I see no better way of doing that and I have to be honest with you in order to do it. If you are one not to care about my goals or my journey, don’t bother reading any further or any of my masterpieces again. In fact, never speak to me again. I don’t need that in my life. Period.

Here  I go with the confessions again… Something I should  be embarrassed about but I’m not anymore. We are going to talk about the number on the Fucker. As much as I said that the number on the scale (aka Fucker) is not important, it sort of is. I have a goal the doctor set for me-I shall loose 100lbs. I have no secrets so I will talk about the Fucker number just for a moment. I have to shred the embarrassment… My highest weight was recorded when I had done my consultation on March 12^th, 2015. The Fucker dreadfully told me my weight was 269.8lbs and my total BMI (body mass index) 44.9 and my PBF (percentage of body fat) is 53.4. Yup, those are huge numbers-I am well aware. It is alarming, its gross and embarrassing. It is a huge number for a girl, height at 5’6”, not even in her 30’s. I am morbidly obese. Glass half full, I am young enough to some and have time to fix it. I’m already down 30 some pounds-currently at 238.8 as of yesterday. Although they approximated the 100lbs to be gone, I want to be at 155lbs at my goal weight. I want to lose a number that is basically a person. It just sounds so fucking impressive! This will be a lot of work and I am not sure if it’s realistic but I am definitely going to try and do so in a healthy manor. An exciting thing I am doing is tracking measurements before everything happens so a comparison can be made. I’ve already taken my one month before pictures and measurements. I’ll be taking right before surgery pictures soon. I am also taking daily selfie pictures as well for another type of project that Brian wants me to do.

Speaking of BMI’s, since this is probably more important than the Fucker’s number, my other goal will be related to BMI’s. I have a spreadsheet from a very high tech scale of what everything weighs on my body. I want to be in the ‘Normal’ BMI range for the first time in my life since I was eight. I’ve always been above average in everything-I just didn’t want to be that way with my weight, BMI or PBF. To be considered normal is super exciting to me even thinking about!

With the hard work of weight loss and lowering my BMI/PBF significantly, I want to be fit. As much as I want to have Ronda Rousey’s body, I, again, think there are some things that are realistic and some things that are not. With that said, I want to be fit, I want to be toned and I want to be slightly ripped in certain areas. This one may be a little difficult for me to obtain by myself. I am going to seek a personal trainer once I get going on the journey.

I want to be able to shop at Victoria’s Secret again. Unfortunately I am experiencing weight loss in my boobs already, so this is probably a very obtainable goal. Whose idea was it that weight has to come off your boobs first? It isn’t really fair. Although I have enjoyed Lane Bryant’s selection of plus sized lingerie, I do miss Victoria’s Secret tremendously. There is just something about their bras that are sexier-more color options maybe. Also, I am looking forward to their underwear-particularly their thongs. I want them to fit comfortably and not fit like I put a cloth ring around a Summer sausage or like I am trying to amputate half my body off with an XXL rubber band, when I wear them. That is also super exciting to think about!

Once I am at my goal weight or close to, I would love to renew Brian and my vows somewhere. It won’t be anything big, we will invite close friends and selective family but I want to wear a dress that I knew I couldn’t have worn on my wedding day due to my weight. I’m picturing a beach or somewhere exotic like Bora Bora. I want to re-live the wedding since I had slivers of doubt on my day, that stupid fucking negative devil that lingers. Insurance does not cover this surgery that I am doing and I have put it on one of my travel credit cards. With the points I earn, I would love to take a trip somewhere for my 30^th birthday-my ‘Dirty Thirty Party’. We are working out those details. This would give a taste of what is to come. I’m excited for it. I want to be the most beautiful bride and I want to know it, I want him to know it. I want to be his hot wife. I want him to be proud of me standing with him and I want to be proud of myself. I want to dress in front of him again, shamelessly. I want him to not be able to keep his hands off me. I want to feel and know I’m desired.

After our renewing of vows, I would love to feel great in a two piece. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a skimpy, slutty looking swim suit even though I would probably love that because I sort of like that type of style. Again, let’s be realistic here-I know some parts of my body will be screwed forever unless I get some sort of surgery for it. That isn’t out of the question but lets take one step at a time. I want a flattering two piece that fits whatever body shape I will have when I am close to my goal. That is realistic. That is obtainable.

Once I am more practiced at it, I would like to run a 5K straight. Yes, I said R-U-N. I’ve never been much of a runner, even when I was young and in basketball-running was not my thang. Finishing up my second week of going to the gym almost every day, I am learning to appreciate running. My belief, I was never taught how to breath/practice it. I’m now doing that and I am starting to really enjoy it. Another fitness goal: I’ve always enjoyed boxing. I used to have a punching bag in my room growing up. I would love to learn to be good at it. I could never see myself fight someone because I don’t really want to fuck my face up. You know? Because my face could be my money maker some day. Maybe. Just maybe.

One of my other addictions between shoes and food, I had a nasty habit of buying clothes I loved that I knew that at the time that they didn’t fit me or they weren’t flattering on me at all. I have literally bags and bags full of clothes that still have new tags on them. I always called the clothes “My Motivation” but really, all they did was multiply into more clothes without motivation at all. As if buying them was a sign that it would cure me of being fat. I wish. I even hung my favorite clothes up on hangers and put them on my walls of my bedroom so I could see them every single day in hopes one day I would wake up and do something about it. Still nothing. I am excited to pull those clothes out because it will be like shopping in your own custom designed closet. It will be absolutely bad ass! On to the future, I’m also looking forward to shopping at normal people stores in which they should have my size! Oh the excitement is nearly bursting from my waist already.

With my fitness, I want to focus on getting buff. One place in particular I want to focus on, my arms. I’ve hated my arms for as long as I can remember. They always seem to soak up fat more than any other place on my body. I call my arms The Sponge area. I have so many shirts that I’ve had to physically rip the width of arms so my fat can fit. Isn’t that horrible? This is why you hardly ever see me without a shirt that covers them, a shawl or coat. Once my arms are buff, I would really like to get some tattoos-perhaps a full sleeve even. I’m talking to my mom about ideas already. I would love her input on design. This should be a year or two in the making anyways. Here is a fun fact-Lady GaGa promised her father that she would only get tattoos on her left side. The reason is, she wanted to keep her right side pure-bare skin as a reminder that she can be naturally beautiful-for her father. I’ve been following that same philosophy for years now. We will see how long I keep that going. She did end up getting a tattoo on her right side. They are addicting so I understand why she did it. And yes, I understand this is a permanent thing-tattoos-I have several already. Please keep the comments to yourself.

Our goal is to figure out a compromise on where to live. We have been discussing this and looking into it for a couple years now. It could be a year or ten years from now, we don’t know. We are growing out of the house we live in now with three dogs (XL, L and S), a cat, an accumulation of both our stuff and I don’t foresee downsizing anytime soon. In fact, I rented a storage shed not long ago because I am overwhelmed with stuff. This decision relies on a lot of factors but it definitely is a goal of ours for the future. I want a more private location-maybe three to six acres with lots of room inside the house and outside for the dogs and children to play. Brian wants to live in a city, close to people. The thought of that makes me ill but again, we will see. Marriage is all about compromise. I also want a large enough house to take care of both our parents when they get to that point. I would love that very much.

I would love to start a cookbook. Not an official, publishable one-I feel that is super difficult. Although, it has made me feel pretty good with comments made on my Facebook about people hiring me to be a personal chef with all the healthy food porn pictures I’ve been posting. I love the comments and it does make me feel wonderful. I honestly think I was probably a chef in my past life or something. I want to make a cookbook to pass down to our children. I want to teach them, show them and let them know that healthy eating isn’t always boring, stupid salads. I want them to know it can be flavorful, easy and cheaper than eating out. That is a huge misconception of dining out-it’s cheaper, quicker and sometimes healthier. This is not always the case. I would also love to get a cooking group together. Once a month a group of people, or girls, we find a recipe we love and we cook it together, have a glass of wine. That sounds nice!

One of my biggest disappointments in becoming selfish this year, I am missing every Professional Women’s Bowlers tour stop. I do admit, it is a little hard for me to watch the live stream every week. I know I have disappointed my biggest fan, Brian, by deciding not to this year, but after discussing my health, it makes nothing but complete sense to both of us. My goal for next year is to practice to the max and participate. I would enjoy to place in the top 4 once, or twice but I will not be disappointed if that doesn’t happen because I shall compare that year to the year before. I am healthy enough to participate. I shall be proud of that. I just want to be the best bowler I can be and this is a wonderful start to that.

As shitty as this is going to sound but one of my goals is to have a feeling of pride once I am fit. I want the feeling of being around people knowing that I verbally said ‘I want to do something about my weight’ and actually know I have done something about it. I cannot wait on others to decide they are going to change. I am here to help anyone get to that goal of their own. I’m already doing something similar with several people. Please, do not be shy!

Even though she isn’t engaged, I want to be a beautiful bridesmaid for the future (bride) Kylee, my best friend. Being in two weddings this year and feeling the worst I ever have about myself, I felt embarrassed. I don’t want to have to wear Spanx. I don’t want to have to worry about unflattering dresses or having to choose a dress because I am a ‘big girl’. I don’t want to have to worry about starring at myself in professional photos because I’m ‘the big girl’. I have been looking forward to her wedding all our lives, well since we met 16 years ago (or so-we can’t ever remember) and I am most excited about it! I want to stand proud next to my best friend. She is literally going to be the most stunning person I’ve ever seen. It is HER day but I also want to feel that we are pretty bitchin’ looking besties.

First and foremost, I want to become healthy. The second most desired goal, I want to be a mother. All my life, as strange as it sounds, I feel I’ve been practicing to be a wonderful mother. It started when I played with dolls, taking care of them, loving them. When my parents started letting me have pets, my love grew and grew to love a living being. I think that’s partially why I am such an animal lover. Once I started getting real friends in my life-you know since I was ‘homeschooled’ and all-those people are ‘weirdos/antisocial’ (this will be a later blog), I started caring for them-not as children but knowing what needed to be done, knowing how to make people better, knowing how to make people happy and laugh. Playing house, I was always the mom or the dad. It was just meant to be. I know it. I love our three dogs and our one cat. I would save their life if need be, no matter what it took. Making the decision to have dogs was basically mine. I wanted to try and fill the void of not having children at the time in my life. Please do not get me wrong or judge- they are the best decisions I’ve ever made. I have never loved anything more than them. It is a different love, an unconditional kind. I found out that I just love to love something, to love people, to love living things.

With children, I know the love will be different. Brian doesn’t know but I have already been planning for about a year or so how I am going to tell him, when the time comes, that we are expecting. I’ve been doing the same for our parents and close friends. I cannot wait to record it and share it with people and even our children when they are older. There are so many things I am looking forward to with this goal of being the best mother I can be. I am looking forward to singing lullabies, changing diapers, feeding. I am looking forward to documenting their ‘firsts’. I am looking forward to memorizing all the Disney movies and songs. I look forward to the little kisses, the little giggles, the outbursts of crying fits. I cannot wait to share my love of animals with them. I can’t wait to show them how to bowl. I cannot wait to see both of our parents smile ear to ear with their grandchildren. I can’t wait until we play catch in the back yard. I can’t wait to give them their first lemon or lime and record it for all to see. I can’t wait to do family pictures with our furkids and children together. I can’t wait for the house projects to be done that I’ve been pinning on Pinterest for a long time. The list is honestly endless. These are the things I’ve been fantasizing about for as long as I can remember.

Those are my goals right now. One of the better decisions I’ve made with the journey is joining Bariatric support pages. I’ve been creeping on people’s success stories, fears, where they’ve been, seeing their goals made. It’s reassuring that I’m not alone with everything I’m feeling-the excitement, the fear, the shame, anxiety, being scared. It also inspires me to continue on my journey-everyone seems to be doing so well with their surgery. They say that the surgery is the best decision they’ve ever made-I’ve made a great deal of wonderful decisions already, not to be cocky but it is the truth. I can’t wait to have this done so I can start my goals now! It is all normal and part of the process what I am feeling. I’m putting my brave face back on, my moments of weakness are over. This will be the hardest thing I ever do, thus far. I am strong and yes, I am scared. I’m actually slightly fearful that I am going to complete all those goals, eventually. I have that feeling that with my mind being set-like I used to before I would complete a goal. Purely fearful it can become a reality. Scared shitless. Since I like to end with quotes recently, I will add another very fitting one from my girl crush-Ronda Rousey:

“People say to me all the time, ‘You have no fear’. I tell them, “No. That is not true. I’m scared all the time. You have to have fear in order to have courage. I’m a courageous person because I am a scared person.”