My Week of Funeral’s

The title…it sounds pretty serious or maybe even morbid, doesn’t it? I promise you, no physical, living thing died-well maybe a cow or two. Maybe it was a harsh title but really, I am selfish and perhaps a closet narcissist but I just want more followers. In fact, the more fitting title should have been, “My Consumption Funeral; Food and Drink Erotica-PG 13”. It is getting crunch time with my surgery. The reality is hitting me more and more each day, a new life is waiting for me. In fact, the day I scheduled my surgery, Brian stole my personal planner after I had marked August 25^th “Surgery Day” and he had put “New Life” on August 26^th. Everything is going to change. I am preparing as best I can which includes a fair amount of funerals I had in order to cope with my new life style. I need to have them before I start my real journey. I am sure this will be fairly anticlimactic for my readers, but I am doing this for me and you’ll see why I am doing it after you’ve read through my food porn/funerals.

What type of funeral am I talking about? I am talking about what I call a “consumption funeral”. Typically bariatric patient’s call it a “food funeral” but I am branching out and including some things that I don’t necessarily eat but consume (e.g. wine, Fireball). What this really means, before the liquid diet starts (which I started that on Aug. 15^th, 10 days before my surgery), I consumed food almost as if it is a Last Supper or the death of my old food chain. Give that some thought-let’s say you have an entire week to eat the foods you want, what would you chose? Keep in mind that maybe you are going to the gym 6 days a week, sometimes twice in one day, eating healthy already. Would you take up that offer of “food/consumption funerals”? Let me explain my reasoning why I’m not really choosing to do that. I did to an extent but I didn’t do what the old Kaleena was doing-eating all of the bad food I would order, I would go to the gym either in the morning of the consumption funeral or afterwards.

Let me back up for just a moment. I already started my liquid diet on August 15^th. Basically I am consuming (I refuse to call it eating because the act of eating, in my opinion, you must chew food and swallow) protein shakes and broths. The goal is to have at least 60 grams of protein (before surgery, I am consuming a shit ton of protein-one day this week, I had 204 grams) and to consume 64 ounces of water (one day this week, I had 104 ounces). The reason I have to do this is to shrink my liver so that the surgeon can do the surgery laproscopically (5-7 small incisions) and if I cheat at all during the 10 day liquid diet, my liver will be large and he will have to perform it with a much larger incision. Therefore, he will have to make one large, I mean LARGE, incision. So, that is my motivation. I would rather have 5 tiny little scars than one huge one.

Once I am done with the surgery, I will only be able to consume liquids for a while-I believe around two weeks if I recall. Then I can move into stage two which is semi soft food for another two weeks. Stage 3 is soft foods and finally by stage 4, I can move into somewhat normal foods for another month and gradually get back to ‘normal’ healthy foods. I’ll only be able to consume small amounts at a time-at first, a meal for me will be around ½ a yogurt. I won’t be allowed to drink water 30 minutes before, during or after because the water will wash out the nutrition I need to absorb. There are foods I will have to stay away from for a long time, 6 months or more. Those will include things like: bread, corn, steak, popcorn just to name a few. When I eat meat, particularly steak when I get there-I will have to cut the meat a fifth of my finger nail, chew it at least twenty five times and then swallow. I am pretty excited because I have timed my surgery in just the right amount of time to enjoy our vacation in Puerto Rico in December for my brother’s wedding. I will be able to try new, solid foods then. However, when Brian has his surgery-I am going to support him as best I can and may follow his stage, whatever that may be.

Before I started my food/consumption funerals, Brian and I had a lengthy discussion about where I want to have them at. We went through our ‘This is Why I’m Fat’ list and honestly, those foods sounded disgusting. Not one thing about it sounded appealing. I can live without those things, as I am proving already. The thought of greasy, deep fat fried foods makes me want to vomit. Other than that, I can eat the other stuff I may miss but in definite moderation. It blew my mind thinking of what I wanted to have and literally, drew a blank. Just back in January if Brian asked me that question of the foods I wanted to have before I made a life change like this, I would have went balls to the wall and eaten everything and anything I could-starting with the list we made last blog. I did chose to eat unhealthy at some meals.

My first food/consumption funeral: I have been craving something since the surgery date has been creeping up on me. I want steak all the time. In fact, on Saturday night, Brian and I had a phenomenal experience near Omaha at a steakhouse called The Drover. My amazing father in law had gotten us a gift card there in which we decided, let’s satisfy my craving and go try it out. The restaurant was weird looking; it was a cabin setting, lots of wood that looked as if it were hand carved, the lighting was strange with an ugly dim yellow lights everywhere. One thing I did enjoy was a real candle lit on our table-that was a very nice touch. The waiter brought us water and homemade wheat bread with real slivers of butter. You bet your damn britches I had some fucking bread. It was warm and oddly healthy tasting. The menu seemed a little limited but I looked at nothing but the steaks. I had my heart set on a New York Strip. Luckily, one of the specials was indeed a NY Strip-18 ounces marinated in a whiskey. The vegetable of the day was asparagus and it came with salad or soup. I chose the salad because I’m sure I will be pretty tired of soup here in the next few weeks. I will miss crunchy. The salad was actually a salad bar-it was small but had all my favorite things: buttermilk ranch, croutons, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, romaine lettuce, banana peppers. I loaded my plate. It was delicious. I fantasized about bathing in the ranch dressing while lettuce fell from the ceiling-much like a romantic movie with rose petals in a porcelain bath with gold claw feet. We had ordered an appetizer which was bacon wrapped shrimp. They had 4 on a small plate with some sautéed mushrooms and a citrus horseradish sauce. It couldn’t have been any more of a perfect introduction to what I was going to experience next.

My love came to the table; it was as if it were smiling at me like it knew this was going to magical for me. Perfectly attached to the bone, grill marks still simmering as if it were chanting ‘eat me already’. I couldn’t keep my hands off of him, the NY big boy. My first cut into my fantasy, my breath was taken away. It was cooked perfect medium rare. My mouth instantly watered with excitement. The flavor was ‘OMG’ worthy, I could have reenacted the scene from When Harry Met Sally (I’ve never seen the movie but I know that reference). I wanted to just keep it in my mouth forever. I was happy, to the point of experience euphoria. It was by far, the best steak I have ever eaten. I asked myself, “is this because psychologically-I KNOW this is the last time?” as if I were having sex with a dude I had been banging for 20 years-one last time we bang- before we go our separate ways-better make it count. The answer, no. It was legitimate. I ate it all. It took all I had not to gnaw on the bone at the table. I considered asking the waiter for a take home box so I could do so in the car on the way home but I wasn’t that desperate. The asparagus was just as good. I was full of everything; food, happiness, satisfaction, love. I craved steak for the second time the next day but I didn’t want to ruin my last one-night-stand, at least for 6 more months.

I had a quiet, private, personal eulogy in my head of that steak. This was my go-to meal. I am such a steak and potatoes girl. I knew, it was the last steak I were to eat. Not because I didn’t have time or anything of that, it was the. Best. Steak. I. Ever. Had. I wish I knew that cow before I ate him, or her. I would have said the nicest things I’ve ever said to anything, I would have massaged it, maybe gave it milk-is that cannibalism? Anyways, if you have the chance to eat at The Drover in Omaha, please do. For me.

My second craving I satisfied was homemade tacos and roasted corn. I decided to make them healthy because it sounded so good. I made 93/10 ground beef with seasoning and I also bought a rotisserie chicken to mix in with it. I used romaine lettuce leaves to act as the taco shell. I got some corn on the cob with seasoning and butter already to go, just warm and serve. We also got some brats just because I haven’t had it in a long time. It was such a wonderful meal. I didn’t feel as guilty as I should have. I was even under my calories for the day. I am bias, I just love my cooking. For those who said they love my cooking and pictures I post, I am considering making an eBook of some kind with recipes. I figured this is a good way to expose my children to and “hand” them down.

My third food funeral happened while I was away in Kearney, Nebraska this past week for required c-store meetings. I very well could have eaten SO much junk food. We had a lot of vendors there, power house vendors that came with samples galore. I am talking bags full of chocolate, sweets, carbs. I must say, I came prepared and I am very proud of myself. I packed a cooler full of my favorite protein shakes and protein waters. Anyways, I was on liquid diet for two days while there. It seemed too easy. However, it seemed easy because I KNEW that I could cheat. This is the bad habit Kaleena. I am going to call my ‘bad habit’ alter ego, Sabrina. I did it for two days and was satisfied, happy and proved to myself I could do it. Finally, I ate food. I had bar food-this was on my list. I wanted to eat like I was hung over-something I knew would cure it even though I hadn’t had alcohol. I had a Hangover Burger (this was unintentional) which consisted of an 8oz beef patty, a fried egg, dense hamburger bun and cheese of course. I had to order the waffle fries as my side, with ranch dressing. There was appetizers ordered for the table of 11 people. An order of Bleu Balls happened which is deep fat fried chicken balls stuffed with ham and cheese-basically a cordon bleu type thing. I had two of those small balls. I also have 5 boneless wings with a sweet BBQ sauce on top, dipped in ranch. I could only eat half my burger and I admit, I devoured my waffle fries. The ranch was to die for! I am glad I ended on that note with bad bar food.

My fourth food funeral is one of my all-time favorites-I love me some Greek food. My favorite restaurant in Lincoln for Greek food is The Parthenon. Brian and I went on a lovely date, just like old times-Sabrina was in attendance. I wanted a glass of merlot, we ordered a bottle. And, I can’t go there without ordering tzatziki and pita bread, bring 4 extra pitas, please. For an entrée, I got the gyro supreme with double meat. I am not sure if the waitress sensed that it was my last meal there for a long time but I swear the chef that made the food also knew. Maybe she told them in the back. It was the best tasting gyro meat I’ve ever had. It was as if they had switched meat or something. The wine that the waitress brought was a house wine, it also tasted like Heaven in a glass. Next thing you know, I am almost sick full. No, I was. It was like Thanksgiving full, as my nutritionist at the University of Nebraska would say. It wasn’t enjoyable but I really needed to do that for ME.

My fifth food funeral was a favorite memory of mine that I will keep for a long time. I went to sushi with one of my girlfriends from college, Blue Sushi in Lincoln to be exact. We don’t see each other very often but she appreciates different delicacies like we do. I consumed so much sashimi, sushi, wine, coconut sake, it was the best sushi ever. In fact, we raw white tuna soaked in squid ink and I LOVED IT. I never would have thought I would eat that-let alone love it. Fun fact, they can only allow 3 pieces per table because squid ink is notorious for making people shit their brains out. We had a fantastic waitress and she helped us with everything. Again, I don’t know if I put off this scent or something but they must have known it was my last meal there. We had drinks afterwards, probably too many for me. I had Blue Moon and Fireball. It was my last hoorah. I will admit, I woke up hung over the next day. I hadn’t had one in so long and I hated every second of it. I am not going to miss that part of Sabrina. I am done with her.

My sixth food funeral is something I swear I could have lived on when I wasn’t ‘under construction/work in progress’. My favorite go-to fast food isn’t McDonalds, Burger Kind or Wendy’s-but this shady looking restaurant that is basically open 24 hours a day called DeLeon’s Mexican Food. There are several shacks across town with authentic Mexican food. I ordered a steak ranchero platter (diced steak mixed with pico, homemade red sauce and two over easy eggs lay on top as if it were a blanket. The sides were Mexican rice and homemade beans). Brian ordered my other favorite thing there so I could have a couple bites off of it-chorizo special burrito (chorizo mixed with diced potatoes and cheese). For an appetizer we ordered a carne asada quesadilla (a very large quesadilla with diced steak pieces, seasoning, grease). My odor must have been high that day because they made my food the best it’s ever been. This is not a joke, almost every place made my favorites the best I ever had there. We ate in the car which I don’t even care about-it was the experience in my mouth that mattered.

My final funeral was my favorite type sandwich, Philly cheesesteak-beef and poutine fries. The restaurant I love to get them at, Big Red Keno in Lincoln. We had waffle fries drenched in brown gravy with balls of melted mozzarella and beef on top. I had admitted to the waitress I was having a surgery and it was my last meal for a long time and to tell the chefs to make it with some lovin’. She was impressed and the chefs didn’t disappoint. Extra cheese, the hoagie bun was extra buttered and toasted, I ordered for my side-hash browns that were crispy crunchy with shredded cheese on top and a side of brown gravy to put in it. I was so excited to eat my Last Supper that I forgot to take a picture of the ‘before I eat it’ picture. I did take an after picture so you get the drift. They also serve the best Blue Moon beers. They serve it in large 34 ounce (560 calories FYI) frosty mugs. John Taffer would be disappointed in me because I admit I am a sucker, was a sucker, for frosty mug Blue Moon beer-he says it dilutes the beer. I say I don’t care. I couldn’t finish it though and I was super sick full. Miserable. Even worse than the Thanksgiving full day I had.

I was happy. It is over. No more temptation. I have my game face on and I am ready more than ever. I got everything out of my system that I wanted. I am sure this blog won’t seem interesting to most of you but honestly I posted this for me. I want to post this with pictures so a year or two down the road I can look at them and say, “Jesus… This was happening too often and I over ate so much”. It will be epic for me. No one who helped make my food funerals spectacular (waitresses/hosts/chefs) know about my blog but I do want to thank them publically for making my experiences the best they could be. It has been laid to rest and I will never look back. Sabrina, my alter ego of bad habits, is dead. May she rest in peace.